- (Character)/(verb)/(action)
- but/and…
- until one day/when suddenly…
- and because of this…
- and because of this…
- until finally…
- and because of this…
KAN always thought it was a harsh punishment
but was just growing accustomed to his exile
when suddenly the Court of Dragons invites him to a surprise wedding; his own.
And because of this, he must undertake a quest on behalf of humans who have grown so afraid of nature, and because of this he’ll have to collaborate with his estranged, adopted, human, brothers CHEN & PUAH. Until finally all three put their old conflicts aside and work together. And because of this, they discover that they are part of a larger community of mentors and students who all have roles to play in improving a world gods and dragons need help maintaining.*
Interview with the Tiger
P1:
1: YAN wants to interview KAN the legendary prince of tigers
2: but tiger’s are not known for their patience with humans.
3: Until one day Kan arrives at Yan’s temple as an invited guest.
P2:
4: And because Kan has hear rumor of Yan’s admiration, he approaches Yan during a meal, for an impromptu interview
5: Because of this all of the other monks hurry out of the cafeteria.[5]
6: Because of this Yan offers Kan a bit to eat before realizing the kitchen has only vegetarian food and Kan is a Tiger who eats meat.
P3:
He’s terrified.
7: until Kan finally admits that he ate before his visit and isn’t hungry.
After significant workshopping a 2nd version.
KAN, is a tiger, growing accustom to exile from his forest kingdom
but the Court of Dragons has decreed he must spend his time investigating why humanity has grown so unwise & disconnected from nature.
until one day he crosses paths with is estranged adopted brothers CHEN & PUAH, human foundling who now wander the world sharing the wisdom they’ve gathered from the forest where all three were raised.
and because of this the recently reunited brothers are dispersed throughout the world to find others to help rescue the Great Bird of Wisdom from SUSANO god of thunder & lighting who plans to use the bird in replacing the sun.
and because of this, Kan, his brothers and their allies uncover Susano’s hiding place interfering with his master plan
until finally the Court of Dragons provides a whole new world for Susano and his followers to occupy and craft in their image with CHEN & PUAH tagging along to continue sharing their wisdom in this new world.
and because of this Kan now raises cubs of his own, teaching them of the heroic deeds friends and family continue to undertake.
The Feedback
My questions in your 7 Steps below are in all-caps to distinguish them:
KAN, is a tiger, growing accustom to exile from his forest kingdom
WHY IS HE IN EXILE?
but the Court of Dragons has decreed he must spend his time investigating why humanity has grown so unwise & disconnected from nature.
WOULDN’T THIS BE “‘AND’ THE COURT OF DRAGONS HAS DECREED…”? WHEN YOU USE THE WORD “BUT”, IT SUGGESTS THAT SPENDING HIS TIME INVESTIGATING WHY HUMANITY HAS GROWN UNWISE IS SOMEHOW IN OPPOSITION TO HIS BEING IN EXILE
ALSO, IS KAN HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS INVESTIGATION, AND IS THAT WHY BEING REUNITED WITH HIS BROTHERS IS SO SIGNIFICANT?
until one day he crosses paths with is estranged adopted brothers CHEN & PUAH, human foundling who now wander the world sharing the wisdom they’ve gathered from the forest where all three were raised.
and because of this the recently reunited brothers are dispersed throughout the world to find others to help rescue the Great Bird of Wisdom from SUSANO god of thunder & lighting who plans to use the bird in replacing the sun.
WHY IS THE FACT THAT HE’S BEEN REUNITED WITH HIS BROTHERS THE REASON WHY THEY ARE DISPERSED?
and because of this, Kan, his brothers and their allies uncover Susano’s hiding place interfering with his master plan
until finally the Court of Dragons provides a whole new world for Susano and his followers to occupy and craft in their image with CHEN & PUAH tagging along to continue sharing their wisdom in this new world.
THIS “UNTIL FINALLY” FOCUSES ON THE RESOLUTION FOR SUSANO BUT NOT FOR KAN; I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT SORT OF A RESOLUTION HAPPENS FOR KAN.
and because of this Kan now raises cubs of his own, teaching them of the heroic deeds friends and family continue to undertake.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SUSANO HAVING A NEW WORLD OF HIS OWN IS THE REASON WHY KAN NOW RAISES CUBS OF HIS OWN
Version 3
KAN was a tiger cub that was jealous of his foundling brothers. So, he broke the rules maintaining the forest’s natural order and was consequentially exiled from his domain. Over the years he’s grown accustom to his solitude
BUT
the Court of Dragons expects him to fulfill family obligations, like discovering why humanity has grown so fearful of nature. It’s a task he undertakes halfheartedly.
UNTIL ONE DAY
he crosses paths with is estranged adopted brothers CHEN & PUAH who are now young men on a similar quest. Working together, at first begrudgingly, they solve their quests and resolve past acrimony. Eventually they journey to the Court of Dragons to present their findings
AND BECAUSE OF THIS
Kan and his brothers are given a more important task. They must rescue the Great Bird of Wisdom from SUSANO the god of lighting, who plans to use the bird in replacing the sun.
AND BECAUSE OF THIS
Kan and his brothers part ways, to find aid in their rescue mission and prevent Susano’s plans from bearing fruit.
UNTIL FINALLY
Kan, his brothers and their allies defeat Susano. But Kan is unable to keep Chen and Puah from seeking to redeem the fallen god by joining Susano in an exile of his own. Kan finally comes to understand the value of self-sacrifice for the sake of creating a better world.
AND BECAUSE OF THIS
Kan now raises cubs of his own, teaching them of the heroic deeds their friends and extended family continue to undertake.